Parenting

In Praise of Long-Haul Love

February 12, 2013 by admin

EDITOR’S NOTE: …Renée told me, “I first contemplated long-haul love when my first daughter was a toddler. Our first three children are grown and married with children of their own, and our two youngest children now are teenagers. My husband and I are reaping the rewards of grandchildren and facing the storms of guiding two teens into adulthood.” I hope you enjoy her article!

It was going to be a short night as it was, so I felt like crying the second time the three-year-old tried to crawl in bed with us. The baby had been up earlier, too. How does the saying go? “Lord, give me patience, and give it to me now!”

I remember my mother used to tease that she prayed for patience and God sent her my little brother—a child with endless curiosity and energy and little need for sleep. So I don’t ask for patience. I know it isn’t given—it’s earned.

Instant patience is a contradiction—and an impossibility. Because patience is not a fast-acting pill to pop when situations get tight and my temper stretches thin. It’s more than just not yelling at the kids.

What is patience? Where does it come from? And what does patience have to do with love?

Patience comes with perspective. It is love committed to the long-haul.

I am one of those perhaps strange and rare women who would keep having children simply to experience the thrill of childbirth. Those hours of physical pain and emotional intimacy as my husband and I push and coax a new person into the world are rewarded by euphoric delight as I meet my new child. She seems to gaze at me with recognition, and then nuzzles eagerly at my breast. I relish those quiet moments when everyone has gone home and I am left alone to curl up around my new baby.

I love children. Between birthing four, fostering two and adopting one—I’ve had a houseful of them. They are a gift, a reward, a joy, a bouquet of blessings.

For just as after every wedding comes a marriage, so after every birth comes a life. A life that came forth from the love and union of two people—a life that will continue to demand everything from them. Drawing at least l8 years from our time and energy. Drawing a lifetime from our hearts.

Then how can I rave about parenthood to that young couple knowing…the sleepless nights that will leave them ragged…the isolation from a winter’s worth of colds and ear infections…the constant struggle to control not just the two-year-old’s temper but their own unanticipated anger? What about the ten-year-olds sullenness and the teenager’s withdrawal? How do I keep parenting when I know I’ve blown it so many times?

Because of long-haul love. Love that is not patiently passive, but love that is as patient as God is—willing to wait for the rewards of love. Rewards even beyond those first steps, first words, sloppy kisses and angelic sleeping faces.

My little boy wraps his small arms around my neck, looks intently into my eyes, and declares, “I love YOU, Mommy,” with the emphasis on the YOU. My heart is rewarded. Perhaps I am doing something right after all. Yet what I really want is to hear those words from a young man with whom I have developed a real relationship.

Fast forward twenty years and my son still says, “I love you.” He also tells me he wants to let me into his life—his hurts, heart, his story. I realize I have not parented perfectly, but I am experiencing the reward of long-haul love. And I look forward to hearing them from a middle-aged man who himself has walked the privileged road of parenthood. Pictures of tomorrow’s hopes give me strength to choose love today.

When I manage to discipline my children calmly, it’s not because I’ve counted to 10 first, but because I’m doing it with one eye down the road 10 and 20 years. I’m committed to seeing them through. Any particular situation isn’t the end of the line, it’s only one in thousands. That’s why love is patient. It’s not a Band-Aid but a commitment.

That’s why I continue to say, “Go for it! It’s worth it!” to hesitant young couples and “you’ll make it!” to weary parents of newborn. So much lies ahead for these little ones.

I remember tucking my oldest daughter into bed and realizing, “Elizabeth isn’t a little girl anymore. She’s already halfway to driving and dating. She stays awake nearly as late as I do at night and is blossoming into a young lady before my eyes.”

I snuggled beside her in bed for a minute, more conscious than ever that her legs stretched almost as far toward the end of the bed as mine did! We laughed about her baby days and joked about whom she might marry when she grows up tomorrow. Neither of us knew that, just a few years around the corner, she would find me aggravating and set off on her adult life ready and able—but coolly distant for several years.

Last week I returned from a week visiting Elizabeth and her husband and children. I soaked up mom and daughter talking time. I immersed myself in hugs and kisses and snuggles from her children—and watched her parent with love and patience.

Yes, Love will still be around when it’s finally happened. When sleepless nights are but a vague memory. When the four-year-old is finally potty trained. When the stacking cups and big wheels are replaced by basketballs and scooters and 10-speed bikes. When the opportunities and choices in raising a toddler become the challenge and adventures of guiding a teen. When my children are parenting their own children.

At every stage, I will pray, “Lord, give me love for the long-haul.”

About Renée Sanford

Renée has been married to her high school sweetheart, David, for 30 years. They are the parents of three grown and married children and two teens and blessed with six grandkids. Renée has a passion for encouraging mothers at every stage—in an article, at a conference, or over a cup of coffee or tea. Renée is the co-author (with David) of How to Read Your Bible and the notes for the Living Faith Bible.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: boys girls, children, kids, loving your children, parenting, patience, raising children, Raising kids

A Parent’s Lesson in Gift Giving

November 20, 2012 by Betty

As a parent of three children, my desires are to give my kids the best of everything, materials and non-materials. A lot of times, I wonder, how much is too much and what are their little minds thinking about these gifts? Often, I find myself swinging to the other side of the spectrum and not give them any gifts. So, this is a dilemma for me because Bubba and I want to raise our kids up in a Christ honoring environment where they are thankful for what God has blessed them.

The following article titled, The Gratefulness Principle, helps me understand this topic at a deeper level. The article talks about how gratefulness increases closeness in relationships and how not to give more than what the child’s character can handle.

Here’s the full article:

Gratitude increases closeness in relationships. As you parent your children, look for opportunities to take advantage of gratefulness to draw closer to your kids. Give your children small gifts of love day after day. Be careful, though, that you don’t confuse the gratefulness principle with the overindulgence trap.

Some parents, wanting their children to like them, recognize giving gifts opens the heart, so they overdo it by giving them too many things. Giving to your kids must be tied into relationship, or the gifts feed selfishness instead of gratefulness. Overindulgence is giving your children more than their character can handle. When children lack gratitude, then the more you give them, the less they appreciate. Parents must restrain themselves or they’ll exceed their children’s ability to manage the blessings.

Overindulged children rarely become grateful when you give them more things. They grow to be more demanding and selfish. Parents then feel unappreciated and become resentful. The hearts of both parents and children harden toward each other, and closeness becomes a thing of the past.

If your children become overindulged rather than grateful, then pull back on the area where you’re giving too much. Look for creative ways to give differently to your child. Teaching the heart gratefulness can be a challenge. Having a child say thank you is just behavior. Gratefulness comes from the heart.

Monitor your child’s response to gifts of love to determine if you’re growing gratitude or overindulgence. As gratefulness increases, you can slowly give blessings in a way that will produce more gratefulness. You’ll know if you’re moving too quickly by your child’s response. This parenting tip comes from the book Parenting is Heart Work by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

My friend Gilda introduced me to some of these parenting articles and I’m thankful for that. If you’d like to continue to receive tips yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.

Linking up with The Beauty in His Grip.

Help Children Change Their Hearts

September 10, 2012 by Betty

This article changed the way I communicated to my kids when they do something wrong. My initial reaction to them when they did something wrong was to show frustration and with a stern voice I would disciplined them. I got tired of reacting like this because I felt that this was not very God honoring and it does not reshape their behaviour. So, now, I would say to them, “I am very sad that you this…” or “Mom, is very sad because you did…”. At times, I would catch myself reverting back, but I would stop myself…I am learning still.

Here’s the article and I would love to hear your comments.

Help Children Change Their Hearts

Too often parents focus only on behavior, getting the right actions down, but they don’t address the heart. Jesus criticized the Pharisees, saying that they looked good on the outside but their hearts were still not changed. He said, “First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.”

Focusing on behavior change is not enough. Many parents work hard to help their children look good on the outside. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children “image management” the ability to appear good, clean, and nice. A change of heart is what children really need though.

Unfortunately, you can’t force children to change their hearts. But we can do a lot to motivate them to make the necessary changes. We’ve identified several tools that, when used properly, address the heart. First, use sorrow instead of anger in the discipline process. Parents who misuse this technique often lay a guilt trip on their children. The key is to be genuine. If you, as a parent, look past your anger for a moment you will see that you truly are sad about what your child has done because you know the long-term consequences of such behavior. Reflect it in a gentle way. It’s amazing to see how children will respond.

Another way to influence a child’s heart is to use the scriptures. The Bible has an amazing quality, the ability to pierce through to the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Don’t use the Bible in a harsh way. Instead reveal what the Bible has to say about being kind or respectful or obedient. There’s a lot of wisdom and conviction that comes through the scriptures.

Be sure to talk about the heart during times of correction. “I can see you’re angry because I said no, you need to take a break for a bit and settle your heart down and when you’re ready, come back and we’ll talk about it.” It’ll take work and a child may need some long times to settle down at first, but a change of heart is worth it in the end. Resolve the tension by having a Positive Conclusion together. Talk about what went wrong and why it was wrong. Address heart issues, not just behavior and help children see things from a deeper perspective.

You may think of some other ideas but whatever you do, don’t rely on simple behavior modification techniques. They don’t go deep enough and often don’t address the real issues.

To learn more about how to help children change their hearts, consider the book Home Improvement by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

If this tip was sent to you by a friend and you’d like to continue to receive tips yourself, you can sign up at http://www.biblicalparenting.org/parentingtips.asp.

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Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: parenting tips

Parenting Tip

August 27, 2012 by Betty

“Mom, Chico did this…” “Mom, Mei did this…” Mom,…” “Mom,…” With three kids so close in age, I’m faced with daily bickering amongst the kids and power struggles when it comes to the area of obedience. While looking at some parenting tips, I came across this parenting tip from http://www.biblicalparenting.org/that gives me some ideas on how to address my issue. I hope to hear your comments on it.

Start of Article:

What Cues Do You Give Your Children?

An Action Point is the point when you stop talking and start acting or the point when children know you mean business. How do they know? You give them cues and your children know what those cues are. If you’re saying the same thing over and over again, how does your child know when the Action Point is near?

Think back on your own childhood. How did you know when your dad or mom meant business? Maybe they used your middle name or started moving toward the kitchen where that special utensil was kept. They might have gotten out of the chair or started moving toward you or given you that look.

For many parents, angry words or a harsh tone of voice become the cue children look for. Unfortunately, this harshness creates distance in the relationship. Look for ways to tighten your Action Point without anger.

Harshness isn’t necessary but firmness is. Firmness with children is an important part of the teaching process. Some parents associate firmness with an authoritarian style of parenting. And it certainly can be. We’re not suggesting that you become a sergeant with your kids. Even a relational parenting style often requires a point in which that child knows that the discussion is over and it’s time for action.

You might say, “Katie, please turn off the TV now.” The child’s name and the word “now” can become the cues that your Action Point is coming. Or you might preface what you’re going to say with the words, “Katie, look at me. This is an instruction.”

Be careful of multiple warnings as they can weaken the instruction process. One warning may be helpful to make sure the child has understood the instruction but then the next step should be a firm follow through. If you tighten your Action Point and are ready with the follow through, you’ll get angry less often and your children will respond more quickly. Start by clarifying the cues and following through sooner.

This parenting tip comes from the book Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
This teaching is also available on CD or as MP3 downloads under the title, Eight Secrets to Highly Effective Parenting, live seminars taught by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

If this tip was sent to you by a friend and you’d like to continue to receive tips yourself, you can sign up at http://www.biblicalparenting.org/.